What does a girl love in an INTJ man?
I’m an INFP and have been with my INTJ boyfriend going on 4 years now.
Here are 10 things I adore about him:
Intelligence: I love that he knows so much about so much, and can personally attest to his frequent experiences of being “the smartest person in the room.” He sees directly through attempts at bs, unqualified bragging, intimidation tactics, or colorful industry jargon because more often than not, he knows far more technicalities and facts than most people in any given setting; regardless of job title or credentials. INTJs may not deal with this frustration in the best way (death glares, body language, etc.) but it really does come from a sincere and authentic place, where he seems to be wondering “how can everyone not know that?” He is easily the smartest person I know under many categories- aviation, finance, gravitational waves, auto makers, motor engines, data forecasting, logic systems, etc. I’m constantly learning new things from him, and it’s really fun because he not only knows a lot, but can speak with great passion about these topics.
Confidence: This is a widely admired INTJ trait, so I won’t go into too much repetitive detail. I’ll just say that he possesses full and utter trust in his internal mechanisms, so by the time a response is spoken often comes out as a statement of fact. This is always backed by a preset plan b, c, d, and e, and so he is rarely ever caught off guard. (Only adding to his overall appearance of confidence.) This is interesting to me because most people will “gain” confidence from external affirmations; this is not necessary for him and quite possibly makes no sense from his perspective because confidence is just who he is. Again- coming entirely from a sincere and authentic place.
Topics of Conversation: I wrote about this elsewhere () but I feel I’ve finally met my “mind-mate” who challenges me and stimulates my mind in ways few others have been able to. I find a majority of people to be boring and predictable, and absolutely detest small talk or shallow conversation. He provides such interesting and unexpected insight, and entertains all of my irrationally deep conversations about the universe, alternate theories, and philosophical questions that most people just don’t (or can’t?) seem to follow along with. Even when I’m furious with him and swear at times that we’re just not meant to be, there’s a part of me that knows full well I will never find another beautiful mind quite like his to connect with. I say beautiful, because it’s all encompassing and not limited to just INTJ brain wiring.
Confrontational Tendencies: For the most part he is very mellow and quiet, as most introverts including myself are. But I so appreciate his ability (or nature?) to fully confront, object, and assert, and to truly not be bothered by emotional tension in the air. I’m the total opposite- I will do anything and everything I can to avoid confrontation because it consumes me entirely and depletes my energy to non-functional status. But he will always assert himself when necessary and will never let anyone get away with disrespecting him. (I’ll admit- sometimes I need to tell him to chill out if something done unintentionally by a stranger is undeserving of his wrath. He’s gotten better about this.)
Modesty: For all the arrogance labels frequently pinned on INTJs, they certainly aren’t types to flaunt or show off. They don’t need attention and therefore don’t go around seeking it. My INTJ never volunteers information about himself unless relevant to the situation at hand. People are always surprised to hear that he’s a licensed pilot, or is certified to open a kendo dojo, or that he co-wrote and published an aerospace corporate finance book in college. I just learned the other day that at age 24 (youngest in his finance department) he saved the airlines he worked for $20mil in a year with his projections and by aggressively cutting unnecessary expenses. I was just mesmerized picturing him at 24, in board meetings among grey-haired men making such heavy executive decisions. Did his co-workers feel threatened by him? Did his superiors treat him differently because of his age? Did they think he was just some brilliant kid? I had a million questions. At 24 I’m pretty sure I was lying around in babyville somewhere just babying around all day.
Logic/Level Headedness: Again, a trait that I fully appreciate because it’s something I lack. He gets things done with superior efficiency and always maintains a pragmatic approach to life and decisions. He knows exactly what he is capable and not capable of, and has his next 5-10 years (probably even more) completely organized and mapped out in his head. Decisions are made with a rational blend of personal goals rendered possible through the use of appropriate tools to get there. I’m the total opposite and approach life with a more open-minded flexibility to “go where life takes me.” Without him, I probably would have let many opportunities pass because of hesitation or inaction. I now see the value in structure and planning, something I previously detested; it’s definitely not my default method of operation but boy am I glad to have him in my life to give me this type of guidance.
Humor: Even though INTJs are rarely regarded as funny or charming, their humor is something I appreciate and find many commonalities with. Humor is a difficult thing to articulate, but with my INTJ I’d say there’s an overarching theme of quick wit, intelligence (or non-obviousness), with a dash of dark awesome. I have no problem being silly and frequently make comments to make people laugh and put them at ease, but he is one of the first and only people to consistently pick up the dark subtleties and alternate meanings that other people will miss. Joy is when I can evoke laughter, but when my non-obvious wits are appreciated without any necessary explanation, well… I don’t think I need to explain here just how ferociously I beam with happiness. Very rarely, he will make a joke (or a humorous association of things) and the sheer fact that he presented a joke with a smile on his face is everything to me. In that moment, I know he feels safe enough around me to allow himself to be vulnerable, and that he is actually repackaging a thought and delivering it in a way that he thinks will delight my mind. And for the record- his jokes are on point and always make me think-laugh, which in my opinion is the best kind of laugh. The laugh where your eyes go big and you start nodding as your mind starts spinning with numerous associations.
Actually Squishy Inside: INTJs frequently project that cold rationale appearance on the outside, but they are incredibly warm and childlike inside (deeeeep down inside.) It takes about 10 centuries for them to truly open up to you; and I get that- they prefer control over their lives, and vulnerability is unnecessary in this pursuit. I believe only people in a lasting intimate relationship with an INTJ will ever truly know them. I know without a single doubt that even though we’ve only been in each other’s lives for less than 4 years, I know him better than his friends, siblings, even his mom and dad. When our relationship is great, we hang out in our sweats and talk and laugh about everything in the universe and share our thoughts on “what if this, what if that” and play a mental battle of spotting any holes in the others’ logic. Even when he is reading/researching or doing his own thing, he will always prefer to be sitting next to me. I’ve figured out that his way of telling me he loves me is his honest desire for me to accompany him everywhere- whether it’s an errand, a work related trip, an obligation, or just asking me to be in the same room as him. Alternately, he’ll return from trips and when I ask how it was, he’ll say “Well it sucked cause you weren’t there with me. You know how much I hate sitting in coach when it’s packed and it’s even worse without you there.” (Aaand.. now I have a huge smile on my face just typing this.)
Apathy to Social Norms: We’re very similar in that we hate small talk or being forced to attend events out of obligation. In any given situation, he always has an exit route; in any given situation I have a tailored list of articulate reasons for why I must be leaving soon. And with this, we make a great exit team. He is unamused by fake attempts at notoriety and prestige; I am disinterested with superficiality and outward charades; so yeah, events and gatherings really aren’t our thing. I feel I’m painting a quite cynical image of a crabby elderly couple, but I guess my point here is that we both place equal disinterest in sheep mentality and it’s just nice to be around someone who genuinely gets that.
Lets Me Be Me: And lastly, he truly lets me be myself without any type of restraint. I’m not always polished, and my appearance/personality can be perceived as eccentric or just ‘different.’As an INFP, my mind is constantly plagued with how I “should” act or what I’m “supposed” to be doing, or how I’m being perceived in any given situation and what to do to correct it. He sees these anxieties as silly, and always reminds me that I’m just fine the way I am and not to give a flying crap about what anyone else thinks because he sure as hell doesn’t. And you know what? He’s right- as usual 😉